“See you had a lot of crooks tryna steal your heart/Never really had luck, couldn’t ever figure it out/How to love…” – Lil Wayne
Think back to the first endearing words you were ever told:“You are my princess.” Or maybe the record player spun “Isn’t She Lovely,” by Stevie Wonder all for you. Was your father the MC/DJ spinning terms of endearment solely to see you smile? If not, who was the first man of your dreams? Was it your grandfather, your uncle, a boyfriend or just some dude who was trying to get in your pants? Unfortunately there are too many fatherless little girls who have grown up to be women who were never taught how to love.
Untitled Photo of Black Father & Daughter
retrieved February 21, 2015
http://www.bet.com/news/health/photos/2015/01/health-rewind
If daddy isn’t around for our little black girls, how do they learn how to deal with life and love as they mature? As teenagers, do they know how to appropriately interact with young men? And then into adulthood, how do they pursue relationships with men, and are they properly equipped to establish and maintain healthy partnerships from courting to marriage?
Too often a girl’s male peers indoctrinate her on how to treat them. Usually the young men have limited relationship perspectives, and provide a self-indulgent point-of-view. Learning how to select quality male friends with high values and ethics is crucial. Boston Principal N. Mathis shared, “A young lady can create her own vision of a ‘good man’ from pieces of our culture, or from who ‘he’ would be like in her heart of hearts. Even with close relationships with my grandfather, father and brother, engaging with men is tricky!”
Then we have the glam and riches of the world of entertainment, alluring our young girls to be starry-eyed over actors, singers/rappers, and athletes. Men in this lane appear debonair, bad-boyish, and cunning, shouting to our girls, “You want to be with me! I will take care of all of your desires.” But the girls may not understand that all of this is perception and not so much real but rather allure. Connecting to this mind-frame, NYC College Counselor K. LeSane states: “Fatherless black girls learn how to love, but differently. They may learn to have short term love and low expectations; or do the total opposite, seek so much more then what they have to make men pay for what they feel they’ve missed.”
Be that love that a girl without a daddy needs in her life. Whether you are her mother or another trusted adult, talk to her about what real love is. Tell her what it looks and feels like, but also firmly explain to her what it is not. Provide her with good role models and valuable mentors both female and male that can build her mind and spirit to grow up with strong self-esteem so that she understands how to F.L.Y. (First Love Yourself) and then she will be able discern and foster true loving relationships with others.
“See I just want you to know/that you deserve the best/you’re beautiful, you’re beautiful/Yeah! And I want you to know/you’re far from the usual/far from the usual” – Young Weezy
By Tawana C. Coleman